I have always consider myself to be a nice person. The type that is always looking out for others and whole makes an effort in every situation to look at the issue from both sides before making judgement. I had NEVER thought of myself as a mean person, sure I have loner tendencies, times when I just need to be by myself, and sure I can sometimes be very direct with people, but that’s not being mean…is it?
Well not exactly. Last August, was my first-year orientation at Wellesley College, and my mother came with me so that I didn’t have to move in by myself. We got there three days early so that we could tour the area and I could get to know the town of Wellesley and Boston, and so that my mother would be assured that her daughter would be going to school in a safe place.
My mother and I have had our differences in the past, we have never really had the Hollywood mother-daughter relationship, with me telling her all of my secrets and crushes, it is mostly nothing against her I just like to keep things to my self. But I wanted this time to be different yet from the very start things just went wrong.
I was always snapping at her for one thing or another: driving to fast, driving too slow, being in other people’s business, embarrassing me, the list went on and on. Then one night I heard her crying in the bathroom, she was on the phone with my dad, (1st sign that something was wrong, they are divorced, cordial but definitely not BFFs), I then heard her stop talking and my phone began to ring…it was my dad. So I picked it up and went outside, me bein me I immediately started defending myself but then my father stopped me by saying how ungrateful I was because my mother had dropped everything (remember I am the oldest of 5) to come and be with me. I could tell…he was disappointed in me.
My father has only ever been disappointed in me once before that, so yeah I felt like crap.
I immediately apologized to my mother, and we were able to mend our relationship before she left the following evening. She didn’t cry when she left but she did call me bawling after, I as the self-dubbed stronger one, from years of having to put on a front to protect my siblings, didn’t cry at all.
It was only a couple months later, when I opened my Kindle case, yeah…college will do that to you, that I saw a card she had left me (she had probably expected me to open it that night since I read all the time, before college lol). On the front of the card it said determination and in the inside it said something to the words of “you are a strong and beautiful young woman, and I am so proud and honored to have gotten to be a part of your life these past 18 years now…”.
And then it all hit me, and once again I felt like crap.
Once in my 10th grade French class my teacher pulled me aside and told me that she expected better of me, she told me that people looked up to me and that if I tried harder then others would too. I brushed it off, I heard heard the same things before but anyone could tell that while I had friends I was more of the loner type…no one was following me. Or so I thought, I’ve always been a people magnet, this is not me bragging I am just telling the truth, I have never understood why. But eventually those people who once always hung around with me would slowly stop being there as much. We would still be friends but the connection was lost. I used to always say that people just didn’t understand me until one day I told me father and he replied…“you’re not that deep”. It wasn’t meant as an insult but I took it as one.
Truth is I am not that deep, truth is I had been pushing people away. By me always being a loner, people saw that as me being rude and closed off. I was the type of person who when I wanted to be alone I expected others to let me be and when I wanted to be social, somehow, I expected people to magically appear. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone
…the key is: you have to be conscious about how you state that you want to be left alone.
See I am not a small talker, when I talk I talk so when my friends would ask me if I wanted to watch a TV show that I didn’t like I would say no. So eventually they stopped asking. The one night I was feeling lonely so I went downstairs to the TV room and was amazed at what I saw. Sure there was a TV show on but that wasn’t what was really happening, what was really happening was that they were socializing. I didn’t even realize until that moment, that what my friends had really been asking me is: DO you want to come spend some time with us, while watching a TV show”. It was their way of relaxing from the stress of the day and bonding, unfortunately for months I had not been a part of that bonding time. When I opened the curtains my friends were surprised to see me, some even asked “what’s wrong, but after their initial shock they instantly had a spot for me on the couch, as if they had been saving it for me…maybe they were (they are great friends).
Now I am currently staying at my aunt’s house because my parents are out-of-town. When I first found out the news I was not too happy, she can be annoying at times, like a little child, and she is really, really messy…basically I wanted to be out of there, fast. And once again what I didn’t realize is that by me channeling that energy, by me holing myself up in the room, that was basically mine at her house (even though as I got older I rarely visited), by me cutting her off when she talked without even realized it…I was being rude, being mean, and most of all I was pushing her away and teaching her not to want me around.
So last night, my conscius…she is amazing, spoke to me and showed me what I had been doing and I realized that I did it with my mom, my dad, and even my little siblings (maybe that is the reason why my brother and I aren’t as close as we used to be…he realized that I am one big witch…with a capital B).
And so unofficially from that moment on, and officially from this moment on I am making a pledge to be more conscious of my little actions. If a picture tells a thousand words, my face conveys a million. That is why I am going to focus on bein nicer and opening myself up.
I have a wonderful family, friends that have been by my side through thick and thin, and a future that is as bright as the sun…we all do. But not if we, if I, continue on this path, this path of rudeness, and unintentional snobbishness, a path that only leads one way, down.
All the way down until you are so lost that not even your own conscious can or will save you.
So change yourself before it is too late and you too will see that you can easily:
And as always I am: